Purposeful Social Selling

Money Shame Episode #48

Jun 1, 2021

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We all have a money story. And usually there is some sort of shame, guilt, or worry about judgement that comes up when we have a ‘money trigger.’ Kristen is sharing how this showed up for her recently around a designer purse purchase and what it taught her about her business and how she worked through the surprising shame that came up around it.

  • Why success doesn’t stop our negative thoughts and judgements
  • Why it’s so important to talk about money openly
  • What to do when the same thoughts come up even AFTER we’ve ‘done the work’
  • How to feel joy and peace around a big purchase so that you’re not putting pressure on your business 
  • Why it’s important to grow our capacity to ‘have’ money
  • How holding back for fear of judgement makes us hold back in every other area of our lives, as well
  • Why we need to see other women giving themselves permission to have and spend money. 

When Kristen got curious about the drama that came up around the purchase of a designer purse she realized: it’s not about the purse. It was simply a ‘money trigger’ that allowed her to do more work on her money story.

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Transcript for Episode #48: Money Shame

Kristen Boss (00:05):
Welcome to purposeful social selling with Kristen boss. I’m your host, Kristen boss. I’m a mindset and business coach with more than 15 years experience in both the product and service based industry. I believe that social selling is the best business model for people wanting to make an impact while they make serious income. This is the podcast for the social seller, who is tired of feeling and authentic in their business and desires to find a more purposeful and profitable way of growing their business. In today’s social media landscape. In this podcast, you will learn what it takes to grow a sustainable business through impactful and social marketing. It’s time to ditch the hustle and lead from the heart. Let me show you the new way. Hey bosses.

Kristen Boss (01:00):
Welcome back to another week. I just got back from a really awesome weekend with my mastermind that I’m in with my coach. You are on Instagram. I was sharing on my stories. I was in Vegas. It was an amazing experience. I actually got to meet my coach for the first time in person. And this episode is going to be a little different, but I think it’s going to be a necessary conversation that we have. And when I think you’re going to be really glad we’re having, so let me first start by saying if money is a triggering topic for you. I really want to invite you to sit with me here in this conversation and be open to what we’re talking about. And for some of you, it might be too triggering. It might this might not be an episode for everybody and that’s okay. But I really feel like there’s a valuable lesson here. And I was actually kind of surprised. I wasn’t really planning on this being a podcast episode, but one of the things I shared about from my weekend in Vegas was I made a purchase in Vegas.

Kristen Boss (01:57):
One that surprised me with money, thoughts that were coming up. I had some drama, I had some shame around it and I kind of shared a little bit about it on Instagram. And I had a lot of people messaging me saying, Hey, can you talk about this? Can you do a podcast episode on this so much so that I was kind of shocked. I was like, really people want to hear me talk about this, but I feel like it’s important because I think sometimes we really believe when we have the money. When we have the business, we want that our money thoughts are negative money. Thoughts are negative feelings around money is going to just magically go away and we’re going to feel comfortable around it. And we’re not going to have judgment or shame anymore. We just tend to believe that when we arrive at our goal, everything is better.

Kristen Boss (02:44):
You know, kind of the idea of there is better. And there could be that job, that salary maybe for some of you that marriage or when I have the baby or like, we just tend to attach the next milestone is like, it will be better. I get there. And so I really feel like this lesson I learned over the weekend kind of debunks this myth, that when I am at this place in my business, or, you know, I’m seeing this level of success, I won’t have those thoughts or feelings anymore. And I noticed this a lot with, with my students and just people I observe in business, really in any business, it could be entrepreneurship. Does anybody who’s doing mindset, work on themselves. And it’s as if sometimes people are surprised when negative thoughts that do not serve us still resurface later. And it’s thoughts that we think, wow, I didn’t realize, I still thought that I didn’t realize I still believe that.

Kristen Boss (03:47):
And those thoughts are going to continue to come up. And I really want you to give yourself some grace and compassion, because I think a lot of people are surprised when a crappy thought comes up. One that they thought they dealt with and it’s like, they’re ashamed that it’s come back up like, oh, I haven’t healed. And something’s wrong with me that this thoughts coming back up, no, you’re, you’re just human. And your brain is going to continue to offer you garbage thoughts, no matter what, you can have a million dollars in your bank account and your brain’s going to still have really negative things to say about that. You know, you could have the life you want and the home you want, the kids you want, your brain is still going to have things to say about that. So sometimes when we, when a thought comes up, instead of being ashamed, that the thought is revisiting, we need to be a little curious about like, wow, why is this thought coming up in this instance and realize, oh, this is just me being a human.

Kristen Boss (04:40):
This is part of the human experience is learning to navigate my thoughts no matter what. So I think what’s interesting is this conversation is really going to be about money, shame and how money shame comes up in surprising forms. And for me, it came up with the purchase of a purse and I’ve never really seen myself as a purse girl. I, you know, I enjoy a lot of nice things, but for me, honestly, the most expensive purse I ever had that felt really really bougie for the lack of a better term was like, I think a $250 purse that was gifted to me. Normally I’m buying my person over at, you know, a Nordstrom rack or, you know, what’s the other one. I love TJ Maxx. Right? I was always buying purses for a deal. And like, as designer as I got was Michael Kors from TJ max.

Kristen Boss (05:31):
Okay. So this is just to give you some context. And one of the things I had said to myself was when I reached a significant milestone in my business, I wanted to buy myself my first designer bag and I had wanted a Louis Vuitton. But you know, what’s interesting is most Louis Baton bags don’t appeal to me. I’m like, well, okay, I guess. And I went shopping with my best friend, Samantha, and we were in Denver and she was like, let’s go in the Louis store. I was like, okay, I’ll look at my, I saw a purse and I fell in love with it. It was so beautiful. I was like, oh my gosh, this person is amazing. I never think that about purses, but I thought that about this person, it’s like, oh my gosh, it’s amazing. It’s beautiful. And like the sales person, he was amazing.

Kristen Boss (06:18):
He was like, oh, this bag is beautiful. And he’s showing me all the features and I could just smell the leather was quite an experience. And I, you know, dig around in the purse and I see the price tag and it was like my brain melted. I had an idea in my mind of what I was willing to spend on a designer bag. I already knew it would be expensive. And then I saw the price was almost triple of what I had initially wrapped my mind around and spending. And I was just like, I’m sure he saw the shock in my face. And he just said, Hey, you know what? This is a purse you have to sit with. Maybe you need to take some time to think about it. I was like, oh yeah. I a need to take some time to think about it.

Kristen Boss (06:57):
My husband’s going to need to take some time to think about it. Like, oh my gosh, my husband’s gonna like die of a heart attack when I tell him the cost of this purse. So it was really interesting. It was about, I think that was about two weeks or a week before I left for Vegas. So I was thinking about the purse and I, what was interesting is all of the thoughts that came up around the purse. That was very surprising to me. Like what will people think with me having a designer bag? Will people say things? What will my clients think? What will my friends think? And I just, I had this fear of other people’s perception of me, but also I was afraid of my own perception of me like, Ooh, I’m the girl with this designer bag. I don’t know. And I felt shame around it.

Kristen Boss (07:49):
And it also felt like, whoa, this is way beyond, you know, the price I would pay for a purse. This feels, I want you to notice words I’m using this feels really unnecessary. This feels frivolous. It feels very indulgent. And I wasn’t liking how those thoughts were making me feel. I was feeling kind of guilty, ashamed nervous. And what was interesting is like, it wasn’t a, can I afford that question? It was something I could afford it. I had the money for it. It was something I could easily have paid for. And that wasn’t the drama. The drama was not about affording the pers. The drama was about spending the money, that level of money on something that I felt was, you know, non-essential like it was, it was an extra. And what’s really interesting is that one of the lessons I have really sat with with my business, that I think would be great for, for any of you is I’ve always been very mindful of my purchases.

Kristen Boss (08:56):
And, you know, I, I drive a nice car and I was really thoughtful about when I was willing to go and, you know, drive that car off the lot. And I remember telling my husband and this, this all relates because I really want you to take this lesson for your business. And I think it’s a necessary conversation for us to have. And I think it’s so important that we talk about money openly in a way that is safe in a way that allows for conversation and emotion. I think money has a lot of shame around it. Why people don’t talk about it, all those things. We all tend to have money stories. And I have a, I have an episode earlier in the podcast about money thoughts, but I thought this would be a really great example of a specific, like another layer of money that we don’t talk about.

Kristen Boss (09:46):
And to be honest with you, it actually is uncomfortable me doing this podcast episode. I’m like, oh my gosh, what are people going to think? However, I really do think there is lessons for us, for you. It might not be a person. It might be something else, but the purse was my specific money trigger and a money trigger is when you feel certain emotions or thoughts around your money in relation to an object, a thing could be a house. It could be a car, it could be a trip. We all have. I think something that might trigger our money thoughts. So for me, it happened to be a purse for you. It might be something else. So just kind of take the context of this story, but it was definitely something where, so kind of going back to my car is I was very thoughtful.

Kristen Boss (10:38):
Like I knew what kind of car I want to drive. And I went and test drove it. I smelled the inside of that Gargan is that new leather smell. And I knew I really wanted it, but the timing and the how of me choosing to spend the money on that was really important. And let me give you, I’m going to break down. Why, when my husband asked me about the car and you know, the timing I told him, I said, you know, when I drive off the lot, I don’t want a single thought in my mind to be now I have to go make more money or now I have to go and make sure my business meets a bottom line so I can drive this car. And anytime we use the word I need to have to, and should we, or it always invites pressure.

Kristen Boss (11:27):
And I really wanted to drive my car with joy without the car causing pressure in my business, that would have me show up from a place of lack and put me into this hustley energy of my business, needing to serve me and the business, what we do in the world. It should always be about how we serve others. And for me, I would only get the car when there was enough cushion. And there was enough room for me, a to feel joy and peace with the purchase and B for the car to not create pressure on my business. And therefore that affect the value and the level of service that my audience gets from me because people can sense. I never want to feel needy in my business. That’s really important for me. And I knew I was about to invest with my coach. I pay a lot to my coach, like a car to my coach.

Kristen Boss (12:29):
And I remember thinking, you know, it’s more important for me to grow my business well and serve my audience well and learn these lessons that I’m willing to put off the purchase of this car so that I can put money towards investing in my business. Because when I invest in my business, it helps me show up better. It helps me serve my audience better. It helps me grow my business. A car is not going to help me show up, better, serve better. You know, it is not an investment. Whereas with my coach, it’s an investment. So for me, I was like, you know, it’s more important for me to put my money towards my investment and create room and peace for my business. Listen, nothing is worth more than your peace. Like if you were looking at a trip, a car, a house, a purse, whatever it is, if it costs you your peace, if it has you start using words, like I have to do this.

Kristen Boss (13:31):
Now I have to meet a bottom line. Oh my gosh, I have to buy a number. If it robs you of peace, the cost is too high. And so that has always been something for me, whereas like, yeah, it was the money there to buy these things. And could we move into a big, nice house right now? Yeah. But at what cost, like at the cost of my peace, at the cost of bringing pressure to how I show up online and how I show up on my Instagram and how I show up with my students. Like I just never want that pressure. So for me, I’ve always chosen delayed gratification and patience when it comes to, I’m going to call them luxurious unnecessary purchases. And I think it’s really common in this industry is when, you know, you hit the big ranks and you hit the big goal.

Kristen Boss (14:17):
As I see a lot of people just rushing to the purchases. And then when we do that, when like people move into, you know, they lease that car and they buy that house suddenly there’s a lot of pressure to perform in their business where if they weren’t driving that car or in that house. And they waited a little bit longer for their business to mature and get to a sustainable pace where it was working, you know, where it was hitting a bottom line on average, without with very little effort from them, they would feel different. So for me, it was really that I was always protecting my energy when it came to my purchases, just because I had the money doesn’t mean I should spend the money. So, and I really think that sometimes our lesson, when it comes to money, isn’t about spending the money.

Kristen Boss (15:05):
It’s about being comfortable and growing our capacity to have money and let it be. There is a lot of times when we spend the money as fast as it’s coming in, because we get excited and we were like, whoa, I’ve never seen this type of money before. Woo. I hit this, you know, this big rank and you, I just want you to notice if you’re going out and wanting to spend it all on a purse or a bag and just ask yourself, will this affect my peace? Will this has, will this have me saying things like I have to, I need to, and now I have to hit a bottom line. And now my business has to perform at this level so that I can drive this car show so that I can, you know, have this house so that I can have these things that is literally imprisoning ourselves to our business that becomes burdensome rather than free and loving and service.

Kristen Boss (15:57):
Enjoy it. And listen, I’m not saying don’t, don’t buy the things I’m talking about the timing. And sometimes our greatest lesson is growing our capacity to have money without spending it. So that was me for awhile. And what was interesting is with this person, it was kind of the opposite. It was trusting myself to spend money and be okay with spending on something that, that I felt like I couldn’t justify to people like a car. Yeah. I’m getting from point a to point B and it’s fun. And I enjoy it. Right. But it, this felt like beyond my comfort level. And what’s interesting is it was kind of bringing up some, some judgment, like I have to love myself. Like I remember thinking, wow, am I going to choose to love myself? And how am I going to see myself? If someone makes a comment about my purse, or if someone judges me for having this, like, I really had to do that work, you know?

Kristen Boss (16:55):
And I knew it wouldn’t cost me my piece. I knew it went throw me into lack and hustle. So that kind of, kind of ticked the boxes for like, yes, I can, you know, it’s not going to cost me my peace. So yes it is okay for me to get the purse. And really what I was noticing was that I was still operating from a place of believing that success is a fluke. And let me give you an example of that. Sometimes we believe, and I hear a lot of people say, this is like, oh, you know, I just got in at the right time. Or I just got really lucky with my business. And sometimes my brain likes to tell me that about my business. And I realized that me not buying the purse would only be reinforcing the belief that my business was a matter of luck and it would all go away.

Kristen Boss (17:43):
And so I realized, oh, my lesson is actually buying the purse and trusting in my capacity and in my ability to keep creating and adding value in the world and trusting that it’s not all going away. Like I realized that the reason why I wasn’t buying the purse was because I had this fear. Like, what if it all goes away overnight? What if I, you know, what will people think of me? What will I think of me? And it’s just interesting because I noticed that the old me would think, oh, this is, you know, that’s very frivolous. And anytime we say frivolous, like that is from a place of judgment, like, that’s silly. Why would you do that? That’s not it’s foolish. Right? And so I was really just noticing the thoughts. My brain was offering me when it came to this person, I realized, oh, how is this purse?

Kristen Boss (18:37):
Like, how was buying this purse, my lesson, whereas in everything else leading up to this, it was like saying no to things because I trust in the long game and my business is my baby. And I care deeply for my, for that baby. And I don’t want to negatively affect my business from purchases that I can wait on. Listen. I just think it’s interesting. Literally I’m in my office. I have no baseboards in my office. I ripped up this old rubber like Madding from, cause our house was built in the sixties and you know, my office doesn’t have any baseboards. And so if the camera hits it in such a way, you could see that it’s, you know, it’s got old glue at the bottom of the wall. So I’m like, I am a girl that has no baseboards in her office. And she’s about to buy this person.

Kristen Boss (19:28):
It just felt like this contrast that was uncomfortable for me. And then I realized, okay, what thoughts am I going to choose to think about myself when I buy this purse? How am I going to be okay with myself? And how am I going to celebrate this? And how am I not going to create a narrative that I’m a bad person for having this. It’s just, and it’s interesting. And maybe this is in some area of your life, but it was actually an area that I needed coaching. Like I was, I was concerned and my coach overheard me and she just coach, she coached me on those things and I realized, wow, like my lesson is actually growing my capacity to have and give myself permission to have. I think it’s really interesting. So if, if we’re pushing away something luxurious or we feel undeserving of, that’s never isolated to the one thing like for the purse, it’s never isolated to, I’m just pushing away the person, my life it’s that comes up in other areas like, where else am I pushing things away?

Kristen Boss (20:35):
Because I feel undeserving because I feel guilty because I’m afraid of what people think of me. And so I just want you to notice that if you are looking at your company comp plan or your goals, your financial goals, and you’re looking at this number and you’re saying, yes, I want that. But you also simultaneously have thoughts of money is, you know, wanting a lot of money as greedy, or I can’t have this purse because of what people will think of me. I can’t drive this car because of what people will think of me. Just notice that when you do that, you’re actually going to push away your ability to create that success for that comp plan that you want because you’re living in two worlds, you’re living in like, yeah, I want the comp plan. Oh. But also I feel really bad. Having also I feel really bad about what people will think of me, what my family will think of me. If I drive that car, I have that money, have that paycheck go on those vacations. And oftentimes we’re afraid of the judgments of others because of how we ourselves have judged others. Oftentimes if we’re like, oh, I’m afraid someone’s going to judge me for this, this purse or this purchase or having this thing is because we are actually actively judging ourselves in that moment. And that was, that’s what was coming up for me. I was judging myself.

Kristen Boss (21:52):
And so I, it was kind of showing up all my beliefs about my business, my beliefs about myself, if I was worthy of love. And I even had thoughts about like, Ooh, I can’t share this on my Instagram. This has to be really private. And I kind of stretched into that. I was like, okay, but what if what’s the lesson, if I do share, how is this helpful to my audience? How is this a lesson for them? And it was so sweet. I got so many sweet kind messages. And I realized, oh, women need to see other women giving themselves permission to have something that feels luxurious. Something that feels beyond an essential, like, I think we can always justify our essentials and our necessity, but I really think we as women, we tend to feel a lot of guilt when it comes to something that’s nice or luxurious that feels extra.

Kristen Boss (22:49):
And deservedness kind of comes in the equation. Like I don’t deserve that. Well, people think you know, how is this affecting other people? So I just like, what if me buying this purse is giving other women permission to have without guilt. And I’m not talking about just a purse. What if it’s, you know, the goal you want actually feeling worthy of the goal. I want you to think about that. If you are like, I want to make, you know, multiple six figures in this business or my first six figures in this business, or even $50,000 a year in this business, whatever your goal is, what would it look like for you to give yourself permission to have that and believe yourself worthy of that and give yourself permission to have it? What is the lesson here is permission to have? And that was my, like the money was there.

Kristen Boss (23:47):
It was okay. But I realized I needed to let go of self judgment. I needed to let go of the fear of the opinions of others. And I needed to give myself permission to have and grow my capacity to have, because when I do that, I’m also giving other women permission to have. And that’s a beautiful thing. So what would it look like for you to give yourself permission to have and to feel worthy of a goal you want and that thing you’re reaching for? What might that look like for you today? So I know it’s not a traditional conversation, but I really feel like our money thoughts are such an important conversation to continually have. I’ll probably have more podcasts episodes coming out on this, but I really wanted to just kind of share my lesson from buying the Louie, because it really did kind of shift a lot of thoughts for me. And I really wanted to gift you with my listeners with, you know, challenging you with thoughts you might have around something similar. I may not be a person. It might be something else.

Kristen Boss (24:55):
Just to kind of explore your beliefs in your thoughts you have around having your capacity to have Pacha next week. That wraps up today’s episode. Hey, if you love today’s show, I would love for you to take a minute and give a rating with a review. If you desire to elevate the social selling industry, that means we need more people listening to this message so that they can know it can be done a different way. And if you’re ready to join me, it’s time for you to step into the social selling academy, where I give you all the tools, training, and support to help you realize your goals in the academy. You get weekly live coaching so that you are never lost or stuck in confusion. Whether you are new in the business or been in the industry for awhile. This is the premier coaching program for the modern network market. Go to www.thesocialsellingacademy.com to learn more.

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